The Process of Finding Me

I was young when I got married.  It was just a handful of months past my 18 birthday.  I was not only young, but scandalously PREGNANT!  Granted, I was only a few days pregnant, but it's still scandalous, right? Right.  A lot of people have told me that my husband and I are 'lucky' to still be together despite all of the statistics on marriage in general, and especially marriages that start during the teen years and include children that early.  That's a huge load of crap.  Luck has had absolutely nothing to do with it, hard work has.  We've worked hard to have a strong, healthy, uplifting, and passionate partnership all the while going to school, working, and raising our children.  But my marriage isn't what this blog entry is going to be about.  It won't be about my children either.  It's going to be about me.

Me.  Me.  ME!

Gabriella is just over 6 weeks old now, and a few weeks ago I was sitting feeding her and thinking about life (because what else is there to do while you're feeding a newborn?) in general.  I got to thinking about being a wife, and being a mother, and wondered what else I was.  What legacy will I leave my kids? Wife and mother.  Wife.  Mother.  Well, that's nice.  And peachy.  And LeaveIttoBeaverish.

That was when it hit me.  When the Hell did I lose myself?? I can't pinpoint a time exactly, but I'm pretty sure it was around the same time I became a young wife and mother back to back.  I have a ton of interests... but none of which have been pursued because I'm too busy being a wife and mother.  I love style and fashion... but I stick to khakis, jeans, yoga pants, and polo shirts because that's what moms seem to be expected to wear.  As a young, brand new mother, I desperately wanted to conform to what I thought society wanted mothers to look like.  I've had my fair share of "mom hair" through the years, because I'm so busy being a wife and mother I don't have time to maintain a fun, funky, youthful hair style that I would prefer.  I used to love playing sports, running, writing, and snowboarding... but I haven't done any of those things (with the exception of writing, obviously, because I'm writing right now) in years.  I'm too busy scrapbooking and cooking and doing what moms are supposed to do.

Not that I don't love cooking (I could experiment with baking various goodies all day long!) and scrapbooking (I'm totally fine with looking at pictures of my gorgeous little ones for hours on end) but I'm more than that.

I've always been a bit of a liberal, non-conformist type... so the realization that I have totally shoved myself into the wife/mother stereotype box annoys me.

So I decided to do something about it.  I'm reclaiming me.

Step One- I went to the salon with my sister (not to be confused with going to the saloon with my sister, which would be a whole different blog entry altogether!) to get my hair done.  Hubby and I figured out that it had been over two years since the last time I had gone out by myself and done something just for me.  Two years.  TWO.  YEARS.  Seriously, that's crazy.  My 'me time' always ended up being me going grocery shopping without the kids or birthday shopping for the kids or Christmas shopping for the kids... it always related to my wife/mother status in some way.  This time, it was ALL ME!  Instead of getting my hair done like I normally would (short and easy to style) I only got a trim, and I dyed it.  I went from brunette to almost black... and hot pink.  Yup.  Hot pink!

It's not as wild and crazy as it sounds, it's actually pretty tasteful looking (as tasteful as hot pink hair can look) and not too in-your-face.  But it's pink, and I always have wanted pink hair.  I never went pink because what kind of wife does that? What kind of mother goes to soccer games or karate practice with pink hair?

I do.  That's who!

Step Two- I'm getting my body back.   I'm 6 weeks postpartum and have been given the OK to start working out again (everything but abs, I'm not allowed to do anything with my abs until I'm 3 months postpartum).  I got our gym membership back up and running again, and hopefully I'll be back up and running again soon too.  It's pretty daunting because I've been on limited activity, then modified bed rest, then full bed rest since the end of last summer, so I'm about as out of shape as a person can possibly be.  For too long I've used the excuse of being a mother for letting myself go physically.  There was always an excuse... gyms were too expensive, I couldn't take time away from the kids, I felt guilty for leaving hubby to take care of the kids, etc, etc, etc.  No more excuses, this mama is gonna have a super hot bod... some day.  Hopefully.  Eventually.  After a lot of work (and I mean a LOT! Pregnancy does not treat me well when I climb on the scale!).

That's only steps one and two.  I'm not sure what steps three through infinity will be in the claiming back of me, but I'll keep you up to date as I figure things out.  Maybe I'll put together my own grunge band or audition for a few local theater productions... anything that doesn't scream "I'M A MOMMY!".  No gardening or book clubs here.