The Stuff I've Learned

A few of my friends recently have become first time parents, and while I'm super thrilled for them, I can't help but think back over 8 years ago when I became a first time parent.  I've learned a ton of really useful stuff in the past 8 years, but at the same time, I've learned some completely random, off the wall, and sort of crazy stuff that nobody ever tells you about in any of the fancy parenting books you can buy.  So here's a short and incomplete list of the random stuff I've learned since becoming a parent:

• A newborn baby can fart louder than most adults.  Only unlike most adults, a newborns farts are usually productive.  And by 'productive' I mean it's time to bust out the baby wipes.
• We could repave roads with meconium
• This one sort of correlates with the above- an 8lb infant can produce 9lbs of poop and/or vomit in one day.  If you don't believe me, you have obviously never had a newborn.
• You will spend an insane amount of money on toys and gear for your children through the years.  They will all sit on shelves gathering dust while your child/ren play with cardboard boxes, burp rags, and paper plates.
• Never assume a visit to the pediatricians office will be less than an hour.  In July, it probably will be.  In December, cancel all of your plans for the day and bring a book.  Or two.  
• Some things can and should be scrimped out on (toys, clothes, books, bouncy seats, swings, etc, can all be obtained from a friend, a thrift store, or a consignment shop) but some corners should never be cut.  Car Seats.  You are strapping your tiny, fragile, helpless infant/toddler/child into a steel and plastic contraption that will hurl around at rates as high as 75 (or higher if you're a big speeder!)MPH surrounded by other steel and plastic contraptions (some of which are HUGE-think tractor trailer) who are going just as fast, if not faster.  You may be a good driver, but all it takes is a split second of distraction or another driver making a reckless decision and all that is standing between your child and tragedy is the seat they are strapped into.  Get a good one.  And for the love of God learn how to use it PROPERLY!  
• This relates to the above but deserves to be its own bullet point- Figuring out how to install and use a car seat properly is about as difficult as learning how to speak Gaelic from a Japanese speaking teacher.  There is no shame in asking a professional for help. 
• If you think a newborn that doesn't sleep is frustrating, wait until you have a newborn that doesn't sleep, a toddler who doesn't listen, and a school-ager who won't wake up in the morning.
• No matter how good the movie is, once you watch it for the 89274th time, you will want to chuck it through the window. 
• You may not realize it now, but one day you will come to realize that boogers, vomit, and poop are totally acceptable dinner table subjects.  Well... maybe not acceptable, but certainly unavoidable. 
• People who have never had children are better parents than you are.  Just ask them.  Or don't ask them, they'll tell you anyway.
• Never ask a woman how far along she is.  If you do not understand where I'm going with this- some day you will. 
• The moment people realize or find out you are pregnant, your body and medical choices will immediately become public property.  People will touch you, perfect strangers will ask what you are doing with your breasts, your vagina, your childs penis, etc, etc, etc.  People will expect answers, and no matter what, you will get into trouble.  If you are breastfeeding, you will offend the formula crew.  If you are formula feeding, the breastfeeders are gonna get judgy.  If you tell people it's a private matter between you and your baby, then you're a pretentious bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else.
• Turn off Geotagging.  It's creepy.
• Take a lot of pictures.  But then make sure you put the camera down and have some fun, too.  There's nothing crappier than spending the day watching your family do something awesome through a camera and realizing at the end of the day that all you did was walk around and snap pictures.  
• Babies need snuggled.  Snuggle them.  One day your baby will no longer want to be snuggled anymore and you will realize just how desperately you wish you could turn back time and enjoy those wonderful sleepy cuddles just one more time.  So do it now.
• Your house will not clean itself.  I know this to be true, trust me.  I've spent the past 8 years waiting for it to get with the game.  
• I don't care how amazing, independent, and/or self sufficient you are.  One of these days something will happen and you will want nothing more than to be able to run to your parents and let them fix things.  Being a grown up is a harsh reality, made even harsher when you are someone elses parent and THEY are looking to YOU to fix things.  
• Chances are, nobody thinks that your child is as brilliant, cute, or clever as you do.  That's ok though, they're just in denial ;)
• Not a single fast food place on the planet tastes as good as home cooked meals, especially home cooked meals made by someone else (Shout out to Robyn!!) when you can't cook for yourself.  
• A child with a 105.2 degree fever can still run through the house like a maniac, meanwhile when I get a sniffle I want to curl up and die
• There's a lot of advice you will get that will be outdated, not work for your family, or be downright strange.  Be nice with the advice givers, because one of these days you will consider yourself an 'old pro' at this parenting gig and you'll catch yourself giving unsolicited advice to a wide eyed first time parent who knows everything about everything and you'll remember when you were the wide eyed first time parent who knew everything about everything without knowing anything.  

Parenting is fun and scary and exciting and a wild roller coaster of emotions that will not end until you are no longer on this earth. You learn something new every single day. Embrace it.